Relationship

How Do Teens Think?

Children are often self-centered (egocentric) in their thinking. This is as true of teenagers as it is of small infants. From about age 7 or 8 to 11 or 12, this egocentric thinking works in a certain way.

• Children of this age are quite simply convinced their beliefs are correct.
• They do not understand beliefs are the result of a thinking process and can be arrived at differently.
• They assume that their beliefs are correct and that these are the only beliefs held and shared by all people.
• If they learn new information that contradicts their beliefs, they will find a way to integrate that information into their beliefs rather than alter them. An example is a child who believes in Santa will interpret a forbidden glimpse of Mom wrapping Christmas presents as Mom's attempt to help out overworked Santa.

As children grow toward the teenage years, they begin to think in a different egocentric way. It is this new way of thinking that often causes problems in their relationships with parents.

At about age 11 or 12, children:

• begin to realize that beliefs are the result of a thinking process
• come to understand other people think too, and their own beliefs on a certain subject may differ from those of others
• may understand others have different ideas about the same topics, yet they still do not understand that other people may think about different topics altogether.

Thinking About Self

Teens' Preoccupation With Self
To young adolescents, the subject of greatest interest is themselves. Since young adolescents do not distinguish between what others may be thinking and what they are thinking themselves, they assume every other person is as concerned with their behavior and appearance as they are. So when Mary, for example, sees two of her girlfriends whispering in the school hallway, she "knows" they are talking about her. Or when Jeff sees his parents looking his way, he is certain they are looking at him. Therefore, the hours young adolescents spend in front of the mirror or worrying about pimples are self-admiring or self-critical. They are also satisfying the "audience" they are certain is always watching.

Parents often find teens' preoccupation with themselves rather annoying, selfish and unhealthy. This preoccupation with the self is the result of the young teen's style of thinking. This style of thinking occurs in all teens and is not deliberate. Also, teens' concern with what others think is not entirely unjustified. Young teens are, in fact, very critical of one another and pay attention to details.

Fads -- Part of Teens' Self-Image
Following fads appears to play an important role in achieving a positive self-image for teens; approval from friends can be gained by a teen who looks and acts "right". So while parents may veto some fads as too costly or unhealthy, they may be wise to permit others as that can help the teen develop self-confidence and improve the parent/child relationship.

Teens' Feelings of Uniqueness
Young teens think everyone is interested in them and that they are very special. This feeling of uniqueness is demonstrated when teens indicate that no one has ever before felt as they do, suffered so much, loved so deeply or been so misunderstood.

A teen may say, "You don't understand!" A parent may find it helpful to respond, "I may not understand, but I'm sorry you are unhappy. If you want me to, I'll be glad to try to help." In this way, the parent can express caring without having to argue over whether or not they "understand". In addition, the teen can ask for help if it's wanted.

The Magical Thinking of Teens -- "It Will Never Happen to Me"
Young adolescents believe in a kind of personal magic that will protect them from the bad things that happen to other people. Belief in this magic may make a girl think she can't get pregnant or a boy think he can safely drive in a daredevil manner. Parents who understand this kind of thinking can take steps to protect young teens from dangers they ignore.

While no perfect solution exists for the problem, many parents find it helpful to give teens greater responsibility in non-dangerous areas (like selecting clothes or determining bedtime) while retaining control over more important and potentially harmful situations. It also helps to try to keep a sense of humor!

Thinking About Values

Questioning of Beliefs
During early adolescence, when teens come to understand there exist points of view other than their own and their family's, preteens/teens may begin to question their religion, their parents' political beliefs and other values. There may be a sudden refusal to go to religious services with the family, accompanied by statements like, "I don't believe in that anymore".

Seeing the Picture as Only Black or White
At an earlier age, children can only love and hate real people and things. Now they are capable of loving and hating ideas, such as justice and dishonesty. Consequently, they may become extremely critical of parents. The parent who parks in a no parking zone for two minutes while picking up the drycleaning may be accused of dishonesty by a child. Sweeping statements may be made, such as, "Don't talk to me about honesty! You're dishonest, and I'm not going to listen to you anymore."

Allowing for Growth and Development
Many parents have found it is impossible to make teens of this age think as they do. On the other hand, it is possible for parents to simply express their beliefs and refuse to get into a debate.

Parents can respond by saying, "This is what I believe. I would like it if you would believe the same things, but you have a right to your beliefs, too. When you are older, we can discuss some of these things. In the meantime, you will go to services with the family (if that's what you want the teen to do) because I believe we should all go together. I expect you to come along and be respectful."

Most parents find they can get a teen to cooperate by allowing the teen a minor victory in the situation (such as recognizing teens have a right to their own beliefs).

Maturing of Thought
Experts believe that by the time the young person is age 15 or 16, this kind of egocentrism gradually diminishes. Usually the more teens have a chance to talk about their personal ideas and listen to those of other teens, the sooner they arrive at a mature level of thinking.

At about this time, most teens begin to re-establish the warm relationship with parents that might have become strained during the early teen years. The goal is to establish a special relationship between two adults who are parent and child.

Adolescents:

• have a longer attention span (30 to 40 minutes) than younger children
• are more willing to try new things
• are better at planning than carrying the plan out
• believe they have the right answer
• are beginning to think in the abstract.

Adults should:

• consistently give their reasons for the limits set
• allow more control in decision making for teens within limits
• give choices and discuss decision making regularly.

 

Mood swings

Mood swings - emotional ups and downs of preteens and young teens -- can make these years very difficult for many parents and their children. Both parents and teens themselves are distressed by teens' emotional outbursts and have difficulty managing their feelings of distress.

Experts generally agree that the period of extreme emotionality begins at about age 11 to 12. Thirteen- to 14-year-olds are often irritable, are excited easily and are more likely to explode than succeed in controlling their emotions. Fifteen-year-olds, on the other hand, try harder to cover up their feelings and therefore are more apt to be moody and withdrawn. By the time teenagers reach age 16 or 17, they are more capable of taking a calmer approach to life and experience fewer worries and far less moodiness.
 

Physical Changes and Emotions

Emotional ups and downs have various sources.

• Hormones, which set off physical changes at puberty, are also responsible for affecting moods and general emotional responses in teens.
• Worries about physical changes -- height, weight, facial hair, developing breasts in girls -- are also a source of increased emotions.
• Irregular meal patterns, skipping breakfast and fasting to lose weight are not uncommon.
• Lack of rest may lead to moodiness, gloominess, irritability and a tendency to fly off the handle.

Parents can:

• make sure their teens eat a well-balanced diet
• encourage adequate rest
• explain the effect of hormones on emotions.

With parents' help, teens feel less worried about their feelings.
 

Changes in Thinking

Another source of emotionality in young teens is the strain caused by changes in their thinking. Teens are now able to think abstractly. They can reason and explore many options. They can think about and understand consequences. They now imagine "What if." These new ways of thinking make young teens convinced that:

• what's important to them should be most important to everyone else
• everyone is looking at them and talking about them
• no one has ever felt like they do ("Oh, Dad, you don't understand!").

It is pointless to try to convince young teens that everyone is not watching or that the feelings they are experiencing have been shared by others. However, parents may find it helpful to tell teens they realize they are feeling badly. Parents can offer support and encouragement by saying something like, "I'm sorry you're feeling unhappy. If you would like to talk about what's troubling you, I would be happy to talk with you."

Changes in Expectations

Teens must adjust to changes in other people's expectations of them and to their surroundings. Any and all of these changes can leave teens feeling insecure and more emotional. Teens who begin to look more like adults may also be expected to behave like adults. The expectation of adult behavior can put tremendous pressure on young teens and lead to emotional outbursts.

Young teens have considerable concern about learning how to behave correctly in social situations, what to talk about and how to be popular with peers. While learning all this, teens may be extremely nervous and generally excited. Any incident which makes teens feel they've made a mistake is likely to result in an emotional outpouring complete with tears, slammed doors and general depression.

Who Makes the Decisions

Control
Conflicts over control of the teen's life are at the root of most problems between parents and teens. Parents say, "He is not responsible or careful enough to be allowed to..." Teens say, "My parents continue to treat me like I am 10 years old."

Few things are more difficult for parents than trying to figure out how to give teens enough freedom to learn responsibility and self-reliance while still keeping control over behavior that is potentially damaging to them.

Freedom through Responsibility
Parents who begin quite early allowing children to make decisions appropriate to their age are less likely to have problems with teenagers who are demanding "Freedom now!" Children who help decide what to wear at age 5, whether or not to join Scouts at age 8 and when to do chores at age 11 are better able to make responsible decisions about behavior at age 15 and less likely to constantly demand more decision-making rights.

Excessive Control Creates Unpreparedness
Parents who have tried to control every aspect of children's behavior in their young years are rightly worried about their children's demands for more freedom in the teen years. Chances are these children are unprepared to make decisions for themselves.

Many parents find it helpful to give teens as little restriction as they can handle, while still making it clear there are certain aspects of behavior over which the parents will retain control.

Preparation for the Future

Teenagers may become aware of the importance of doing well in school for future job success. In some cases, this results in:

• anxiety over school that was not present at an earlier age
• worry about what to do after school is finished.

To be supportive to teens, parents can:

• avoid pushing their teenager toward a particular occupation and instead offer support, encouragement and help as teens
• explore their ideas
• help a teen explore various career possibilities, expressing interest in continued education, training programs or apprenticeships
• discuss the pros and cons of various career interests by showing encouragement without "pushing" their teen.

Emotional Storminess

The emotional storminess of a teenager is difficult for both the teen and the parents. Parents who are able to take a calm, sympathetic but firm approach find they can maintain good relationships with teens most of the time. Parents who say things like, "I'm sorry you are upset. I am getting upset too so let's talk later," find they can continue to communicate with their teens without getting ulcers in the process.

It is often helpful to remind teenagers it is easier to treat them as adults if they act like adults. And it is very useful for parents to remember that they were once teenagers themselves.

Adolescents:

• tend to reject domination as they seek more independence - resent criticism and put-downs even though they use them themselves - are easily embarrassed and need to be put at ease in new situations - are seeking out adult role models

Adults should:

• provide informal, one-to-one conversation opportunities on a regular basis - avoid judging teens as "bad" when they behave immaturely. They are not adults and need to be viewed as teens trying to become adults.
 

 

Struggles Between Parents and Teens are Normal

In America today it is commonly believed parents are solely responsible for how their children "turn out." Parents are often led to think that if they do things right, they will raise perfect adults. With this kind of expectation and pressure, it's little wonder the normal struggles that occur between parents and teens take on such enormous importance.

Parents of teenagers or preteens should realize these normal struggles with fads, music and other efforts of independence occur in every family. Once they know that, they can relax more and worry less about how their children are "turning out". Chances are they will be just fine, and the challenging teen will grow up to be a responsible adult.

In the early years of children's lives, parents are the most important figures in their world. Their approval, love and support are critical to children. Consequently, much of what children do and say is aimed at maintaining that love and approval. As children get older and have more contact with people other than their parents, their behaviors and attitudes will be influenced by other people.

 

Establishing Independence

As teens establish independence, parents need to understand a number of points.

• Parents are still the most important influence in their children's lives.
• Teens are trying to become adults. One of their greatest difficulties is becoming independent while maintaining a loving relationship with parents.
• The teen's struggle for independence becomes a real problem only when it is viewed by the teen and/or parents as a struggle for control.

Struggle for Control

When children are young, many parents maintain control over most aspects of their child's life. These parents choose their child's clothes, friends, hobbies and so on. As children grow older, they realize they can never grow into adults without having control of their lives. Consequently, teens begin to fight for control.

For teens, this struggle for adulthood is terribly risky because they risk losing the most important thing in their lives -- the love of parents. At the same time, parents may feel rejected, hurt and anxious about teens' abilities to care for themselves. Their struggle is stressful because everyone cares so greatly about each other.

    It's Not Just a Teenage Problem

Both parents and teenagers are experiencing change. There's a growing belief among professionals who work with parents and teens that adult problems contribute equally with teen problems in making these years difficult between parents and children.

As one father put it, the parent/teen relationship comes "at a most inconvenient time." This father was all too aware that the parent of a teenager is likely to be entering the middle-age years. These years are a period of unrest, discontent, change and self-evaluation for adults.

Upon entering middle age, many adults are asking themselves what they have done so far and what they want to do next. Some may be depressed by a sense that they have not achieved all they had hoped to personally or professionally. Others may be anxious that their children are growing up and leaving home and they are forced to answer "Now what?" In these situations, the rebellious teen may add to parents' feelings of uncertainty about themselves. "Good" parents, after all, would not be having this struggle with their child, they think.

Failure to Live Up to Parental Expectations

A common complaint from teens is that parents "want me to be the way they want me to be." In other words, many parents want a certain career, appearance or college for their teen. For example, a farmer has a son who wants to be a teacher rather than his father's successor, and a lawyer has a daughter who hopes to be a police officer instead of joining his firm someday. These parents experience varying amounts of disappointment and sometimes anger because their children fail to live up to the parents' expectations.

Accepting teens as individuals who will have to make their own decisions about how to be an adult in the world can be extremely hard to do. But the healthy teen will grow up and do just that. Parents who reject their teen for failing to follow the parents' plans or who reject some aspect of their teen's life may find themselves painfully alienated from this person who they care about so much.

Easing the Parent/Teen Crisis

What are some ways parents can begin to break the cycle of disagreement with their teens? First, recognize that teenagers must become independent to become adult, just as they had to learn to walk and talk to grow from infancy to childhood. The first toddling steps away from the mother and the first "No, I won't" are the beginnings of growth toward independence, the task of every healthy child.

If becoming independent is the task of children, then the task of parents must be to help their children reach independence by allowing them to walk (and fall), talk (and make mistakes) and slowly take control of their lives.

Parents should try to look at their roles in their struggle with teens. Sometimes it may require professional assistance to help parents see how they contribute to the struggle. Parents may need to learn new ways to struggle with their lives, rather than allowing the teen's struggles for independence to get mixed up with their questions.

The changing parent/child relationship is bound to cause some problems and stress in all families. Parents can no longer control every part of their teen's life, but they can keep the communication lines open and be a positive example for their teen to follow. The warmth with which mature parents speak of their relationship with their teens is evidence that the struggle to help and let children go is well-rewarded, for only then will they want to come back.

 

Helping your child succeed in learning

You want your children to be successful in school and in life. You can start right now giving your children a foundation for success. With each of the following ideas is a list of ways you can make the idea work for you. Make a note of the things that you are already doing and the things you would like to start doing. Probably there is no parent that does all these things. But it's good to pick a few things you can do with your children. You might even ask your children what they want to do. The key in all these activities is to make learning fun and interesting.

1. Make your home a learning place.
• Show your children that you love to learn. Read books and magazines. Take continuing education classes.
• Talk about things that interest you: gardening or building models or astronomy or whatever.
• Sing songs together. Say rhymes. Learn poems.
• Tell your children about new, interesting things you learn. Ask them about the things they learn in school.
• Have a set of encyclopedias in your home so you can look things up when someone has a question. Even an old, used set can answer most questions. Keep many good books in your home. Some can be bought cheaply at used book stores or library sales.
• Notice your children's interests and praise them for what they are learning.
• Talk and ask questions about things you see on television. Turn off the television and make quiet time for reading. Limit the amount of television to allow for other learning activities, such as reading, talking, or exploring.
• During meal times have family members talk about things they've learned recently.
• Provide a special place for your children to keep their books.
• Make a special area in your home for reading, maybe with pillows or a small desk.
• Make reading together special by holding your young children close, allowing them to turn the pages, having them point at objects in the story, asking questions about what they expect to happen, or allowing them to tell part of the story.
• Read and tell stories to your children. Invite them to tell you stories, rhymes, or tall tales.
• Have your children read to you.
• Put your children's drawings or school work on the refrigerator or wall.
• Have a special box or treasure chest where your children can keep their special projects and papers.
2. Plan family learning activities.
• Take your children to the library. Help them pick their own books. Help them get their own library cards.
• Take your children to ordinary places with you and talk about what you see. Trips to the grocery store, hardware store, post office, and bank can all be learning opportunities.
• Ask your children questions. "How do you feel about that?" "What do you think that means?" Listen carefully to what they say.
• Take your children to special places with you and talk about what you see. Many places are free or inexpensive: children's museums, art museums, historic sites, planetariums, science exhibits. There are so many interesting places!
• Have your children write letters. With very young children, let them tell you what they want to say, and write it for them. When they want to start writing, let them. Don't worry about misspellings unless children ask if a word is misspelled.
• Help them write their own histories, telling about important events in their lives. Looking at family photographs may help them remember.
• Encourage their hobbies that will help them learn and feel successful: building, cooking, drawing, collecting bugs, collecting stamps.
• Provide a chalkboard with chalk.
• Provide paper, crayons, and markers for drawing and writing.
• Play games with your children at home, in the car, and while waiting in lines or in a doctor's office.
• Set a special time each week when the family can get together to talk about their family heritage, play board-games, or just have fun together.
• Play follow-the-leader with your children.
• Be explorers. Make a map of your neighborhood. Mark your house, school, and favorite places on the map. Explore new places.
• Use your imagination. Look at the clouds and let all the family members describe what they see.
3. Start early and adapt to the needs of your children.

Birth to two years:

• Even when children are very small they enjoy having people talk to them lovingly and tell them stories.
• Help them learn the names for things.
• Follow their lead. If they're looking at something, continue to talk about and explore what they're looking at rather than change the subject.
• Use everyday routines to teach children. For example, while getting dressed, talk about the names of the body parts and the clothing.
• Give your children lots of opportunities to explore the environment through their five senses.
• Give them things to play with that are not sharp, breakable, or in any way harmful.
• Take walks together. Play together. Play pleasant music.
• Begin to look at books together. Select books that have sturdy pages that children can turn.
• Sing together.
• Read books with animals and make the animal sounds.

  Two to four years:

• Talk in simple sentences with your children.
• Listen to their ideas without criticizing their mistakes.
• Talk with them about things that interest them.
• Children at this age enjoy silly rhymes, guessing games, tongue-twisters, riddles, chants, and secrets. Enjoying language with them is important at this age.
• Help children recognize symbols such as restaurant signs, store signs, and traffic signs. Talk with them about what the signs mean.
• Notice and compliment your children's ideas. Say things like: "What a great idea." "I'm glad you thought of that." "I like your ideas."
• Play games with your children where they listen to and follow directions. Games like "Simon says" are good.
• When you're taking a walk together, take time to sit down, close your eyes, and listen to sounds. Talk about what you hear.

 

Four to six years:

• Assist children in solving everyday problems. For example, instead of directing children on how to get ready for bed, ask them, "What do we need to do next to get ready for bed?"
• Four- to six-year-olds enjoy imagining, talking about their ideas and feelings, and telling tall tales.
• Help them with reading and writing.
• Reading familiar stories with them may allow them to take part in the story.
• Let them tell parts or all of a story.
• Provide children with writing materials and encourage them to make signs, to draw, to scribble, and to write.
• Use everyday situations to help children understand math. Ask them to help you count. Play with adding and subtracting things, dividing things into groups, and other math concepts.
• Act out familiar stories with children, Use dolls or stuffed animals to act out "Little Red Riding Hood," "The Three Bears," or some other favorite.
• Provide the props for them to play dress-up or store.
• Help your children learn to play with other children, They can learn about sharing, taking turns, and cooperating.
• Make books together. You can write the words, and the children can draw the pictures. Let them write as much as they want to.

 

Six to eight years:

• Use home materials to introduce your children to science and how things work.
• Let your children help you plan, shop for, and prepare meals.
• Let children write, produce, and present short skits for family gatherings and holidays.
• Help your children explore nature, whether it's the backyard or a nearby park.
• Teach them about the environment they live in.
• Give children small responsibilities. Put them in charge of recycling aluminum or feeding the pets.
• Encourage your children to develop hobbies such as stamp collecting, drawing, or bird watching.
• Teach children a craft like woodworking or sewing and encourage their creativity.
• Take them on a short family trip where they can learn about their community through historic sites or about life by camping out.
• As children get older, they can take more responsibility for their own learning. You can help them by asking questions, encouraging their explorations, and providing many learning opportunities.
4. Work with other people who will help your children learn and develop.
• Build good relationships with your children's teachers. Ask the teachers things you can do at home to help your children succeed at school.
• Help your children be ready for the school day by being sure that they get enough sleep and a good break-fast before going to school.
• Try to make the morning routine happy so they'll go to school in good spirits.
• Create a good feeling about homework. Encourage them. Praise them for their efforts. Set a time and place for homework. Provide healthy snacks for breaks.
• Support your children in their school reports by helping them find and use resources, make models, and find interesting ways to complete assignments.
• Help them but don't do their work for them. Doing their work sends the message "I don't think you can do this."
• When you visit people with interesting stories, songs, or hobbies, take your children along. Don't stay so long that your children become bored, but allow them to see collections and workshops of all kinds.

You can make a big difference in the attitudes your children have about learning. As you learn and involve your children in learning, they're likely to develop into successful students. You can help your children by being understanding when they experience failures,too. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone mispronounces a word. Everyone fails in something once in a while. It helps children when you offer understanding and support. It discourages them when you expect perfection. In addition to the ideas listed above, you can help your children become successful by helping them become balanced, healthy people.